Guys, a famous poet or something once said, “I once was lost, but now am found. Was blind, but now I see.” It might’ve been Socrates. Anyway, I feel like I’m the first person in history to really get what that means, after playing Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale for the first time. I’ve been living a sheltered life, one comprised of a prison of dusty cartridges, casual waggle-fests and standard definition, non-bump-mapped walls.

Well, no more!

The characters in PASBR have really resonated with me, to the point where I feel the entire BitF series up to this point has been wasted on shallow goofballs with one-dimensional personalities. I’m still getting to know the Battle Royale cast, so a few details might be off, but I think everyone will agree that this change is for the better.

Kratos’s wordplay will replace the Kirby eating gags–I’ve milked that puppy as far as it’ll go, and Kratos is seriously awesome. Wait ’til you see my Hephaestus/asbestos gag. Side-splitting.

Jak is the new Dedede. He will actually succeed at “getting” his enemies, though, often with shocking (i.e. hilarious), gory results. It’s time to grow up!

Colonel Radec is mysterious and shweet like Meta Knight, but he’s got a heart of gold that gets warmed by Parappa’s rhymes. It’s seriously touching.

And so on in that fashion. So enjoy this reworking of the strip, as there’re way too many Nintendo-centric webcomics out there already.

-By Matthew