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Thread: The Officious

  1. #1
    And Their Refinement of The Decline
    Forum Veteran slashty's Avatar
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    The Officious

    Despite that I expected not to participate, and in fact announced that I would not, surreally copious amounts of free time have graced me at the proper moment, and an idea percolated out of my head and into words.

    Here is, so far, The Officious, a work now 3600 words long, and growing.

    Please don't hesitate to comment- I not only want, but need criticisms, here.
    Love is so short, forgetting is so long. - Neruda

  2. #2
    romance option Lady of the Arena Lenore's Avatar
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    Re: The Officious

    As I said, I like this. It's a bit hard to read the footnotes on a computer, but I think I might be able to push past that. :b

    I'm a little confused, though; after the introduction, that's all the guy's diary, yeah? With the footnotes being a combination of his own comments and his friend's retrospective ones?

  3. #3
    And Their Refinement of The Decline
    Forum Veteran slashty's Avatar
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    Re: The Officious

    Quote Originally Posted by Lenore View Post
    As I said, I like this. It's a bit hard to read the footnotes on a computer, but I think I might be able to push past that. :b

    I'm a little confused, though; after the introduction, that's all the guy's diary, yeah? With the footnotes being a combination of his own comments and his friend's retrospective ones?
    Thank you very much, again c:

    That's correct on most counts. The novel is the diary of the deceased, with commentary from the living friends, one of which is the author of the introduction. The authors are distinguished by font. Up to this point, the author of the journal has made no footnotes.

    Do you think I should've been more clear with that?
    Last edited by slashty; November 3rd, 2012 at 07:01 PM.
    Love is so short, forgetting is so long. - Neruda

  4. #4
    there's math and there's dealers and players and killers and me Dragon's Avatar
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    Re: The Officious

    Said it before and I'll say it again: this is fantastic.

    One thing I might suggest is reevaluating just how much you need the footnotes. It's an important thing to offer reflection on the diary, but the footnotes, to me at least, just seem awkward. Maybe you should do another paragraph after each entry with interpretation information and such to facilitate reading and browsing, and forgo the footnotes entirely.

    Story-wise, though, excellent stuff here.

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