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Thread: Price of Patriotism

  1. #1
    Phonetics do wonders. Forum Moderator Eltrotraw's Avatar
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    Price of Patriotism

    So I'm going to warn that this story may contain a few dark themes that readers may not be comfortable with - nothing too extreme though. That said, I'll keep these in spoilerboxes.

    You can also check the Google Document I've set up with this. I'll bump this every time I have an update for it, and at the end of each post I'll update with how much of my quota I've met in regards to word count.

    Spoiler: Part 1 


    (2410/50000 - 4.82% completed)

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  2. #2
    Tornado Remix Lightningdork
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    Re: Price of Patriotism

    Really interesting thus far. Only thing I would suggest is to decrease the "I thought they were pure" sentiment a bit; it got a bit repetitive and we never really saw any reason to see Zaelin as "pure" in the first place. We're immediately told it's impure and reminded that it is impure throughout this entire piece... there's really no time for the reader to actually see Zaelin as a good place. As I can imagine there'll be some really dark stuff going on (human experimentation? yeah, that's going to be really dark just by principle), just let the actions do the talking. You've created a compelling atmosphere thus far; just let us breathe it in. Show, don't tell - telling isn't bad, but showing (which I imagine is going to be quite descriptive and graphic) is superior.
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  3. #3
    Phonetics do wonders. Forum Moderator Eltrotraw's Avatar
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    Re: Price of Patriotism

    I was going for a repetition that Gideon was beating himself up for being so stupid while retelling his experience, yes, but we'll get into more... interesting themes later.

    Currently at 3k words. I'm not going to go back to edit the parts out since that's going to create a few problems regarding time constraints and such, so I'll leave that as is. I'll edit this post with the second part later, and my subsequent progress

    EDIT: I lied
    Last edited by Eltrotraw; November 5th, 2012 at 03:35 AM.

    ALL SIGS MUST CONTAIN RAINBOW PUKE
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  4. #4
    hey sinnerman where you gonna run to Forum Veteran Eruedraith's Avatar
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    Re: Price of Patriotism

    pretty interesting so far I've gotta say

    at the moment though I'm kinda just counting down to when Elora dies because I've got a feeling it's gonna happen
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    He were not hanged. He would not answer aye or nay to his indictment; for if he denied the charge they'd hang him surely, and auction out his property. So he stand mute, and died Christian under the law. And so his sons will have his farm. It is the law, for he could not be con-demned a wizard without he answer the indictment, aye or nay... Great stones they lay upon his chest until he plead aye or nay. They say he give them but two words. "More weight," he says. And died.


  5. #5
    Phonetics do wonders. Forum Moderator Eltrotraw's Avatar
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    Re: Price of Patriotism

    I'm a little behind. That said, I think I can fit in my favorite cameo idea in the next part.

    I'll probably have to do 2k or 2.5k words every day for the rest of the week to make up for that, and so that I can be ahead of schedule.

    Spoiler: Part 2 


    (5438/50000 - 10.88% completed)
    Last edited by Eltrotraw; November 5th, 2012 at 03:35 AM.

    ALL SIGS MUST CONTAIN RAINBOW PUKE
    "Works" Thread || Youtube
    Check out FIREWORKS!, SKIPLOOM ADVENTURES, and CARTER'S MISADVENTURES, three webgames I've made through the Unity Game Engine.

  6. #6
    hey sinnerman where you gonna run to Forum Veteran Eruedraith's Avatar
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    Re: Price of Patriotism

    So I've gotten caught up with it now

    The entire scene during Gideon's testing was well done, and really evoked the idea of his consciousness basically just flickering about. Also, the fact that your characters are being thrown around against their will in-universe is a good thing, as it means that you'll be able to keep the plot moving without as much character justification.
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    He were not hanged. He would not answer aye or nay to his indictment; for if he denied the charge they'd hang him surely, and auction out his property. So he stand mute, and died Christian under the law. And so his sons will have his farm. It is the law, for he could not be con-demned a wizard without he answer the indictment, aye or nay... Great stones they lay upon his chest until he plead aye or nay. They say he give them but two words. "More weight," he says. And died.


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